Therapy: 1

First therapy in 10 years. I am my own record breaker, not the good kind of boast.

After fighting depression on my own after my last counseling 10 years ago and going back to seeking help from someone besides myself, feels like the greatest defeat. Acknowledging that all my efforts and strength and hard work had crashed and crumbled before me. That was intense.

I felt well in the morning and yesterday was better than most of the other days in the past weeks. I tried to slide off from the appointment because it would really signify my defeat. I managed well for so many years, I fought through so much difficulties and I always managed to pick myself up and walk on. I was so sure that I can fight this one, I was reluctant, and I wanted to turn around and walk away. It hit me, I felt that pang of pain again right there at the red light. All the reflections started appearing.

I know that lately it has been bad when it starts affecting me physically, my motor movements are rigid, my heartbeat is Ferrari, my find is nothing but a big cloud of floating fluff, I cried for 2 seconds and remained numb for 200.

As I was about halfway to the hospital, the intensity increases, the nearer I was the more intense it became. Walking to the registration and saying that I am there to see the psychologist is so heartbreaking. That feeling of defeat is so intense as I walked through the walkway and it got real when I get into her clinic, filling those forms.

She started talking, telling me how it will be like an interview to get to know me better and understand my situation. I broke those tears and the more I speak the more I cried, the more intense it became. Having to tell her everything and have her questions answered was like breaking all the shell, wall, and grid leaving me raw at my worst.

Before ending today’s session my psychologist suggested that we try CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), deep breathing, and a guided relaxation therapy. She told me to relax as I have the tendency of muscle tension.

After the therapy I went for a movie and was holding up with occasional tears, as I walked out of the cinema to my car, it was all hell broke loose. I couldn’t stop crying and breathing got really hard, that feeling of vulnerability and raw is magnified and focused. I had to throw up, my head was pounding, my heart was racing, my airway narrowed, and my tears wouldn’t stop. I tried the deep breathing, it was challenging, I felt like I couldn’t breathe, it was probably 50 sets of short breaths when it was meant to be 10 deep breaths. The people outside of the toilet cubicle only made it worse and I was waiting for them to leave so that I can come out and no one would witness this mess. They left, I rushed out, washed my face, and held it in until I reached my car. By then, I was numb.

I drove off to another place to meet a close friend and I briefly told her about the therapy but we both didn’t get into details. That numbness lasted until now. It was all too much for me to handle in a day. I  wanted to know what are the types of depression I am facing but I was too afraid to ask my psychologist because I know that I couldn’t manage. In 2 weeks, I hope I am better prepared to know.

And Clinical Psychologist is a very intimidating term so as Psychiatrist.

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