Made The Call

I surrendered and faced it. It was probably the hardest but at the same time numbing decision. I had no emotions for that 2 minutes and was just cold hearted.
Maybe because I had accepted the fact that I am defeated, helpless, and had no more strength to fight this on my own.
I cried too many tears, slept too many sleeps, stood too many stands, and I cannot do it anymore.
I don’t know how to.
I cannot run from this beast when it grips me in its hand, breathing onto my face and into my bones. Every fibre in me is interlaced with it. It is feeding on me and me growing in it. We are a part of each other.
Every bead of defeat runs in me and it will be realized when I unlock that door when the day comes.

That Same Ghost

My fight has never been easy from the day I was conceived until this very moment of breath. It has been tough and tough.

My childhood depression continues in my every breath.

I battled with it each waking moment without me realizing or rather with me in denial that I have won the battle. It is all under control. I am able to tame this big fury beast under my feet, but it is there all the time. I began to hope and slowly believe that it is gone, astray and hopefully dead.

The tears of these past years sandwiched between difficult situations and depression. I cry, feel shitty, then I sleep, and march on. I fell in love with the idea that I am no longer depressed and I use the term depression loosely to describe a terrible day.

My heart is a pendulum, an erratic one. But it is not a broken mechanism, just a little dysfunctional but still works. I had been cocky with my “victory” over that life-long depression. I pull myself together after each episode and continue to self-hypnotize that I am well. I consciously chose to ignore it’s presence because ignorance is bliss, right? Besides I am strong enough to contain it.

This whole victory cracked like that perfect cake in the oven cracks and collapse in shocked. There are faults in its structure, like me, couldn’t stand this blow.

My relationship failed, though for good it still hurts. My career is non-existent because it is a job. My finances are in the negatives mainly due to betrayal. All that in 6 months. Now I’m a wreck.

This ghost I considered my past is back to haunt me, at which better day if it is not the dark one. I know I cannot keep it under control anymore. I am severely defeated in all aspects. This one is one of my biggest and toughest to face because I know I cannot make it better on my own, not anymore.