Anesthesia

Do you know what is really sad?

To be consciously sad yet clueless about the sadness itself

I don’t even know why am I crying or why do I feel so hollow and empty inside. I don’t know what makes me sad because nothing is not making me sad. I just need to breathe to be sad.

Most days I am numb, I am slowly becoming incapable of feeling, I feel so fake within me. I am so confused that I don’t even know what I am feeling. I feel like I am feeling nothing. I laugh but I am not happy, I cry but I am not particularly sad. I am slowly not feeling. As if emotions are dead. I am indifferent. That’s right, that’s what I am becoming or perhaps became.

I tried eating all my favourite food or food that I would enjoy but I realize that nothing tastes good to me. I am slowly not bothered about eating as I cannot taste the flavours in them. I am slowly but surely feeling that I am not hungry and eating is like a chore. So I began to stuff myself with food but I almost always ends up feeling sick and throw up.

I cannot seem to find flavours in a lot of things, in life. I am either dazing or numbing. Anesthesia, that’s what it is. A full form flesh with heartbeat of nothingness. That’s what I have become. I don’t even know how to feel about this. It feels like I am getting better because I am not particularly sad but not happy as well, just that nothingness. I don’t even know how to react while writing this down. Perhaps it is my wish coming through, as I wished that I couldn’t feel when I was sad.

I can’t seem to find that familiarity of feelings, emotions, connections, and that same flavours that I once had. It lingers about somewhere near me but I can’t seem to grasp it. Is this even depression? Because I honestly feel that it is all in my head under that skull.

Maybe it is sad to live in the memory of feelings and emotions under this spell of anesthesia. Maybe it is what it is, but what is this?