Therapy: 2

Yesterday was my second session with my psychologist. Therapy is really exhausting and it needs a lot of determination. Every time I feel a little better I think to myself that I don’t need therapy because ‘Hey! Look, today I am able to handle this. I can hold myself together.’, then the next moment I feel like I am eaten by a whirlpool and is dragged to the bottom of the sea. Actually, sometimes I don’t even feel anymore. I am transforming to an inanimate living thing. I don’t know which is worse, to feel so extremely or to not feel at all. Incapability is paralyzing.

I am more receptive to this second session despite still feeling very intense at the session. I broke a rule of not getting a drink and or a cigar. I did both after my session. I had two drinks and three cigarillos. I shouldn’t but I shudder.

In yesterday’s session she reminded me on how much of a fighter I am. Despite all the shit that skipped the fan and hit me straight, I am still fighting. It is a painful fight. I feel so weak because I ended up in therapy, in that room, discussing on how to think. I feel a little insulted to have to have someone teach me to think that costs me 250 dollars per hour. I feel weak because I can’t even handle myself. I don’t know how to be happy. I need someone to tweak me so that I can be happy. Seriously, why the fuck? Why the hell? Why?

We decided to record my thoughts so that we can analyze my thoughts. But I have done that all these years, changing my thoughts, thinking in a positive manner, yet I ended up being bruised, hurt, and now I have drained almost all of my soul. Will this work? I am being skeptical. I am torn.

We will need me to plan my schedule daily. To slot in things that I used to enjoy to try and bring me back to being me. I didn’t know that I have to relearn to be myself. This is beginning to sound so ridiculous.

The hardest lesson in life is learning to be yourself again, you can’t walk away from yourself because you are always present despite being a stranger to yourself

How did I end up being like this? Maybe I have always been like this. Maybe it is normal. Maybe it is abnormal. I don’t know.

I need to befriend myself, to be gentle to myself, to acknowledge myself.

How can I be a stranger to myself when I enjoy spending time with myself, when being alone is so comfortable. It is called isolation. I am suppose to break that. I am suppose to overcome that.

My therapist told me that I need to get myself to start doing things I enjoy and slot them into my daily life that I need to relearn to be myself, I need to give myself time to do so and I cannot expect myself to be perfect at it. I have to follow my schedule despite my emotions, I cannot give in to my emotions but at the same time if I am not doing well I need to be gentle to myself because I am relearning. I feel like I am being disciplined, life feels like a drill now.

This is a mental militant. And it is no where near fun or comfortable.

Who would have thought that you need to learn to be yourself all over again? And who would have thought how tough it is? Certainly not me.

Advertisements

Dear You and You,

Do you wish that sometimes your brain would have so much capacity and strength in a certain situation? Because now that you are out of that situation, there’s this influx of comebacks, retorts, and statements that surged and flooding your mind. I have that right about now. If only I wasn’t in so much shocked and disbelief at what was happening.

I had expression paralysis. I froze in speech and expression. I had my numb face on because I wouldn’t want to let these people to see me hurting and crying. They don’t deserve to see my tears or hear me sob.

 

The Case: Ex-boyfriend

Someone whom I dated in a serious relationship, at least it was serious to me (someone that claimed that he wanted to be married to me and to start a family with) for four years and one that I had given up 6 months of my youth to flying to another country as a visitor, jobless, and blew my entire savings just so that we can be together, broke my heart and the cage that he had been keeping me in.

He said it to my face that,

“I had so much anxieties when you were here. Honestly, now that you are gone, all my anxieties are gone'”

I was not freeloading on him, I cooked, cleaned, did the laundry, ironing, and whatever I could and I did not demand any form of gifts or money, I paid for all my airfares in full. So apparently, all of that gave him anxieties.

I chose to come back because financially it was so difficult and I didn’t want him to go through a crisis. I came home to no job, no money, and restart button. He still has a house, car, job, money, and a vacation that costs thousands which he claimed that he wished I was there with him.

He once said to me, “I did not chase you out of my house, leave you out on the street, low and dry”

The Reply

Having said that I am the cause of your anxieties, you set yourself up for it. You convinced me to come and live with you and you convinced me that you want to be married to me and start our family when I asked you if you are sure that you want to be married to me because being married and being married to someone is two different scenario, you said, “YES I AM VERY SURE”. Your anxieties were because you had to pay for grocery for two and utilities and whenever we go out. Let me get it straight, I do buy some stuff for your home and I did not claim it back from you and basically you had a housekeeper that wage on food and shelter. Your grocery is high because you wanted to have steak and a lot of meat and you would buy them from the supermarket. Your utilities are high because you change clothes like they are disposables, your clothes needs ironing, and you are so selective with the cooking method, I had to use the oven. Whenever we go out, it is mostly because your friends invited us and I don’t pay because I was not working and I could not afford but you wanted me to come along.

My Blame Game Reply

You did not leave me out in the street, low, and dry. That is because you were afraid that your family and friends will find out, which they will. You were afraid that they will see who you really are and that they will judge you. You had to make up stories of why I left you and that is because you cannot own up to what you did. You react this way because you know what you did to me was terrible and they will be disappointed in you because in their eyes you are that good honorable man, that good son, that God loving person. You did not left me out, low, and dry. But you did bring out the ghost of me. You called the ghost out and left, leaving it to haunt me. You are not the cause of my depression as I was “the cause” of your anxieties, but you inflicted it, you lit up that time bomb burrowed in my chest and then you lingered to tease my wounds until I cut you off by shutting all access and reside in my igloo.

 

The Case: Ex-best friend

Someone that I knew for 14 years now, someone that I would drop everything for when she needs me, someone whom I actively care for and not hesitate to take care of, told me a week after I left that guy mentioned above that, “You are the cause of my depression of lately” , “You are too weak to help me” and “You are not offering me any solutions to my problems” after that series she had another few seasons of drama which I was still putting up with because she is depressed. Someone that could forget that she had plans to meet me and who would choose to go out with other people before me and called me her best friend. Months and months I did not hear from her, only if I put my effort to contact her I would hear a word or two.

The Reply

Let me get it straight for you, I am not the cause of your depression of lately. You have depression and I added on to it by unloading my pile on you but I was there for you too. Those moments of silence was when I was praying for you because I did not know what to say because I could not give you solutions to your problems. I was there to comfort you but that was not too comfortable I guess. Missy, this is your life and I can’t run it for you. Whenever I encourage you or ask you on your situation, you will give me snide remarks and sarcasm and a whole lot of bitterness then blame it on depression. Those are damaging, as if my words were hurting you and digging your wounds, so instead I prayed for you and be there in person so that you weren’t alone.

I was indeed to weak to help you, I needed help. You helped me by reluctantly listening to me and begrudgingly advising me. You were right that I had to talk about my issues all the time and there isn’t a time whenever we meet up that I would not talk about what I was facing. You wanted the exclusivity where only you can talk about your issues. I couldn’t give you that and you discounted me from everything else.

My Blame Game Reply

You said I was inconsiderate, how considerate are you then? By telling me that I am the cause of your depression right after I was told that I was the cause of another’s anxieties. You are not the cause of my depression because I had that since I was young, it was under control but you did some pretty good decoration with lighting some fireworks alongside its explosion. Mind you, depression is not a license to mistreating people, throwing your tantrums, and flaunting your drama around. It can happen in the course of depression but you can have the decency of apologizing and treating people better when you realize that you screwed up. Depression is not a license to get away and getting your way.