Anesthesia

Do you know what is really sad?

To be consciously sad yet clueless about the sadness itself

I don’t even know why am I crying or why do I feel so hollow and empty inside. I don’t know what makes me sad because nothing is not making me sad. I just need to breathe to be sad.

Most days I am numb, I am slowly becoming incapable of feeling, I feel so fake within me. I am so confused that I don’t even know what I am feeling. I feel like I am feeling nothing. I laugh but I am not happy, I cry but I am not particularly sad. I am slowly not feeling. As if emotions are dead. I am indifferent. That’s right, that’s what I am becoming or perhaps became.

I tried eating all my favourite food or food that I would enjoy but I realize that nothing tastes good to me. I am slowly not bothered about eating as I cannot taste the flavours in them. I am slowly but surely feeling that I am not hungry and eating is like a chore. So I began to stuff myself with food but I almost always ends up feeling sick and throw up.

I cannot seem to find flavours in a lot of things, in life. I am either dazing or numbing. Anesthesia, that’s what it is. A full form flesh with heartbeat of nothingness. That’s what I have become. I don’t even know how to feel about this. It feels like I am getting better because I am not particularly sad but not happy as well, just that nothingness. I don’t even know how to react while writing this down. Perhaps it is my wish coming through, as I wished that I couldn’t feel when I was sad.

I can’t seem to find that familiarity of feelings, emotions, connections, and that same flavours that I once had. It lingers about somewhere near me but I can’t seem to grasp it. Is this even depression? Because I honestly feel that it is all in my head under that skull.

Maybe it is sad to live in the memory of feelings and emotions under this spell of anesthesia. Maybe it is what it is, but what is this?

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That Same Ghost

My fight has never been easy from the day I was conceived until this very moment of breath. It has been tough and tough.

My childhood depression continues in my every breath.

I battled with it each waking moment without me realizing or rather with me in denial that I have won the battle. It is all under control. I am able to tame this big fury beast under my feet, but it is there all the time. I began to hope and slowly believe that it is gone, astray and hopefully dead.

The tears of these past years sandwiched between difficult situations and depression. I cry, feel shitty, then I sleep, and march on. I fell in love with the idea that I am no longer depressed and I use the term depression loosely to describe a terrible day.

My heart is a pendulum, an erratic one. But it is not a broken mechanism, just a little dysfunctional but still works. I had been cocky with my “victory” over that life-long depression. I pull myself together after each episode and continue to self-hypnotize that I am well. I consciously chose to ignore it’s presence because ignorance is bliss, right? Besides I am strong enough to contain it.

This whole victory cracked like that perfect cake in the oven cracks and collapse in shocked. There are faults in its structure, like me, couldn’t stand this blow.

My relationship failed, though for good it still hurts. My career is non-existent because it is a job. My finances are in the negatives mainly due to betrayal. All that in 6 months. Now I’m a wreck.

This ghost I considered my past is back to haunt me, at which better day if it is not the dark one. I know I cannot keep it under control anymore. I am severely defeated in all aspects. This one is one of my biggest and toughest to face because I know I cannot make it better on my own, not anymore.