29.10

Today could have marked the 5th year that we are together. Today could have been a day of celebration. Today could have been a lot more things if we hadn’t broken up 7 months ago, if we didn’t meet 13 years ago, if we didn’t get together 5 years ago. Today could have been a lot of things.

It hurts to realize that today was the day that we chose to brave it through but didn’t quite come through. I asked if you were sure because it would be a very challenging relationship with our circumstances. You told me that you were and that you didn’t want to let another chance with me slip by like before, that we will do this together and that you will stand by me. Each year after that we celebrated though the ups and downs in between could have and did tear us apart. But we celebrated and 2 years ago we celebrated together not apart and we went to all the places that we went to when I first visited you. Though I noticed that you were a cold towards me. We dined at a nice Italian restaurant and we walked hand in hand and it was our anniversary but you were not as warm or happy as I expected you to be. I didn’t understand it at all. I do now.

The more I understand, the more painful it is. The more I know, the more it hurts.

You never loved me like the way I did. I don’t mean the extent that I loved you, I mean that you didn’t love me as I genuinely love you for who you are, your existence, your presence, you. You didn’t love me genuinely, because you repeatedly nit-pick at my flaws and you magnify them and then you try to convince yourself to love me regardless. The problem is you tried to love me, all these years you never did love me, you tried. The more you try, the more frustrating it got. Then you began to put me under a microscope and dissect me away, to find reasons to love me or to justify your findings, that I do not know. But the more you do so the more you dislike me and everything I did begin to be an irritant to you.

While you were trying, I did too. I tried to be that perfect picture in your head and I obviously failed because I began to realize that no matter what or how much I do, I cannot change the fact that,

You never did love me, you just love the idea of loving me

and that hurts

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